Hamlet Newsies Style
by Quipster
Summary: I dunno...pretty much I put Newsie characters in for the original Hamlet characters and over simplified the story in attempts to get a few laughs...
1. Authors Note

CAST  
  
Hamlet-Jack  
  
Ophelia-Sarah  
  
Polonious-Jaconious (Jacobs/Pononius? Shut up it was hard!)  
  
Laertes- Davie  
  
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern- Jake & Crutchy  
  
Horatio- Racetrack  
  
Claudius- Denton  
  
King Hamlet- Kloppman  
  
Queen Gertrude- Medda  
  
Fortinbras- Spot  
  
Disclaimer: The story line belongs to Shakespear...well I embelished a little...but yeah it's his...I doubt he will sue me but oh well...**shrugs** I also don't own the Newsies for they belong to Disney.  
  
Warning: There will be incest, sex, violence, murder.don't look at me like that! Blame Shakespear! It's HIS story. 


	2. Act I

Act I Scene 1  
  
"I'm glad dat ya came Race," Blink told him. "We'se been keepin' watch heah evah since.well.ya know."  
  
"Not a problem. Nice to see you Blink. You too, Mush," Racetrack said.  
  
"Wow, dat schoolin's done a lot fer ya! Ya don't got an accent or nothin'," Mush commented.  
  
Racetrack grinned. "I'm glad you noticed. So what seems to be the problem?"  
  
"Well, yer gunna think we'se crazy but every night when da clock strikes one a ghoat appeahs," Blink told him.  
  
"A ghost? That's somewhat odd." Racetrack thought for a moment then shrugged. "So it's almost one. Let's see dis ghost!"  
  
Just then the old clock struck one, and sure enough a ghost floated from the upstairs.  
  
Racetrack stared at it in shock. "Hey, you guys were actually right. You know, it looks an awful lot like Kloppman."  
  
Blink and Mush turned their heads in different angles. "Ya know he's kinda right," Much commented to Blink.  
  
Blink squinted. "I dunno."  
  
Racetrack rolled his eyes. "Who is the brains of this operation? It's Kloppman."  
  
"So, now what?"  
  
Racetrack shrugged. "The hell if I know," he said, watching the ghost disappear through the wall.  
  
"What dose this mean?" Mush asked.  
  
"Nothing good. Something is rotten in the city of New York," Racetrack told them. "We better go get Jack. Maybe Kloppman will talk to his son."  
  
Blink and Mush nodded.  
  
  
  
Act I Scene 2  
  
The next morning we find ourselves in the Manhattan Lodging House, early in the morning.  
  
"I admit that it is sad that my dear brother, Kloppman, has died," Brian Denton told his group of newsies. "But I felt that it was my duty to come and take over since my dear sister-in-law and now wife could not take care of it hreself. And now, with the threat of Brooklyn trying to recapture lands that Kloppman captured before his unfortunate death I will take on the respoinsibility, myself. I want to thank you boys for your support through all this."  
  
"He shoah does talk a lot," Boots muttered to no one in particular.  
  
"Boots," Denton said. "I'm sending you to Brooklyn to give this letter to the owner of Spot's house. Inform him of the attack that Spot is planning on Manhattan."  
  
"But.I don't want to go to Brooklyn! It feels like I'se der fer months when it's only days!"  
  
"Too bad. Bye!" Denton said, waving his hand in dismissal.  
  
Boots hung his head and took the letter that Denton was holding and left.  
  
"Umm.excuse me," Davie said. "Would you mind if I go back to school, now?"  
  
Denton looked closely at him. "You want to leave us?"  
  
"Yeah, I want to go to school," he reiterated. He had been upset ever since Denton had married.  
  
"If your father says okay, then go," Denton agreeed. "Now, Jack, my nephew and son, how are you?"  
  
"Well.not so good. My dad just died and now an aegis like you jumps inta bed wid me muddah. How would you be doin'?"  
  
"You unmannly, sacreligious wuss. Suck it up! He's dead! Now move on!" Denton told him.  
  
Medda elbowed Denton. "My husband, if you are mean he vill vant to leave!"  
  
"Actually, I already wanna leave. Remembah, school in Santa Fe?" Jack reminded them.  
  
"Oh.yeah.vell don't go," Medda told him.  
  
"Fine, fer now. I'll stay," he promised.  
  
Medda and Denton, happy with this answer fled the room with everyone following closely, in fear that Jack would change his mind.  
  
Jack stood there, angered. "What da hell is wrong wid everyone? Kloppman was bettah den Denton anyday! Me muddah is so weak! She can't go two months wid out a guy! It's pathetic!"  
  
"Your what's pathetic, Jacky boy," Racetrack said, entering the room. "Talking to yourself and everything."  
  
"Racetrack! Good ta see ya 'gain!" Jack said, running over and hugging him. "What brings ya from school?"  
  
"Well, I hold 'bout Kloppman dying an' den figured I'd stick around for the wedding," he told him. "There's a reason I came today, though. Blink, Mush and I saw Kloppman."  
  
"We all saw him! He woke us up every mornin' fer a good many yeahs," Jack reminded him.  
  
"No, I mean we saw him yesterday night," Racetrack cleared.  
  
"But.he.I wanna see him!" Jack said.  
  
"Don't you find it slightly odd that your father, who has been dead for two months, is wandering around?"  
  
Jack thought about it. "Actually, it is a little weird I guess.ah well.wheah is he?"  
  
"Tonight, come down to the lobby, around twelve fourty five," Racetrack told him.  
  
"I'll be der," Jack promised.  
  
  
  
Act I Scene 3  
  
Davie and Sarah were standing in front of the Lodging House waiting for Davie's carriage.  
  
"So, Sarah.how are things going with you?" Davie asked.  
  
"Pretty good," Sarah answered.  
  
"Damn it! Cut the shit Sarah! What is going on with you and Jack?" Davie questioned, bluntly.  
  
"Nothing is going on!" Sarah told him.  
  
"Oh yeah? He just sits outside your bedroom window and you guys french kiss in front of everyone, but no.nothing is going on at all." Davie remarked, sarcastically. "You know, he's only doing all of this to get you in bed and then he'll just leave you!"  
  
"Fine! Davie, relax! I'll stay away from him," Sarah conceded.  
  
"Good, here comes our good father, Jaconious," Davie said.  
  
"Hello, father," Sarah said, happy to change the subject.  
  
"Daddy! Sarah has been getting together with Jack behind our backs!" Davie said, immediately.  
  
"Sarah! I'm shocked. But before I get to that, Davie before you leave I need to tell you how to live in a long lengthy speech that I'll just skip because it all boils down to don't become dependent on other people and don't have people become dependent on you. The end. Get going so I can send my spies after you!"  
  
Davie looked at him, confused, but nodded and left.  
  
"So, Sarah, you know that any boy that would say 'nude' or 'love nest' in front of a lady is no good. And he steals tomatoes! End it now or you will get pregnant and be alone."  
  
"All right, father. Tell you what! Instead of having trust in the man I love what if I help you to spy on him?" she asked, surprisingly seriously.  
  
"That a girl!" Jaconious commended, happily.  
  
  
  
Act I Scene 4/5  
  
"All right, heah we are at 12:57," Jack said.  
  
"Give it time, Jack. They said that the ghost comes at one," Racetrack told him.  
  
"Fine, fine," Jack said.  
  
The four, Jack, Race, Mush and Blink, sat around for a few minutes, until the ghost appeared.  
  
"Hey! Ya were right!" Jack said jumping up. "Dad! DAD!" Jack said jumping up and down and waving his arms.  
  
The ghost looked up and beckoned Jack into his old office and disappeared through the wall. Jack, attempting to follow him, walked straight into the wall.  
  
"Jaaack.doooor.." the ghost's voice came through the wall.  
  
"Yeah, right," Jack said, jumping up and going to the doorway, hitting the door and falling backwards.  
  
"Opppeeeennnn the dooooorr!" the ghost said, exasperated.  
  
"Right, right," Jack said, getting up and running into the office after first opening the door.  
  
"So, whadya want, Dad?" Jack asked.  
  
"Well, ya have no idea how depressin' it is ta know dat me future enternity rests in yer hands.but I guess dat yer all I got. So, yer uncle, Denton, he ain't what ya think," Kloppman told him.  
  
"I think dat he's an evil, incestuous man dat is ruinun' da good name a Manhattan," Jack told him.  
  
"Oh, den ya got it jest 'bout right. Yer uncle, well he's a moiderah. Aftah he took Meddah, he killed me by puttin' poison in me ear while I was sleepin' an den told everyone it was a heart attack! An' now he sits all hoity- toity wid me wife, house, son an' everythin' I evah had!"  
  
"Dat's jest horrible! What are were supposed ta do?" Jack asked  
  
"Revenge, me boy! Revenge!" Kloppman told him.  
  
"Oh, all right. I'll jest go kill him den," Jack said, excitedly heading toward Denton's bedroom.  
  
"Aren't ya gunna get proof? Are ya stupid? I could be some evil spirit tryin' ta make it so ya go ta hell!" Kloppman protested.  
  
"Good point," Jack said.  
  
"Well, I gotta get goin'. Ya know, back ta da torment an' all. Make shoah ya get up in da mornins an' do what I told ya," Kloppman told him.  
  
"Do what ya told me? Ya mean ta not starve?" Jack asked.  
  
"Uhh.no.I mean kill Denton. I think dat I'se gunna be in purgatory fer a long time."  
  
"Don't worry, I'll do good," Jack promised.  
  
"Good. Bye now," Kloppman said, disappearing.  
  
Jack waved and walked out of the office. He remembered to open the door this time and was surprised when Race, Blink and Mush fell forward onto the floor.  
  
"So, you'se guys hoid dat, huh?" Jack asked.  
  
"Nah, a course not!" Blink assured him. Then, after recieving a look from Jack continued, "Well, not everythin' at least. Jest 'bout how Medda committed adultry an' Denton is a moiderah an'.well yeah we hoid it all."  
  
"Well, der's only one thing ta do now," Jack decided.  
  
"Find some swoards an' sweah we won't tell nobody ovah dem?" Mush asked  
  
Jack looked at him like he as crazy. "Uhh..noo.spit shake. C'mon, spit shake ta sweah ya ain't gunna tell nobody."  
  
The boys all hestiated bt when they heared Kloppman's haunting voice from underneath them saying, "Spiiiiiiit.SPIIIIIIT!" they quickly salivated on their hands and extended them towards Jack.  
  
"Good, good," Jack said. "now don't mind me while I go crazy," he told them. "I think I'll go run around screaming in the streets a Manhattan."  
  
"Have fun!" Blink said. 


	3. Act II

Act II Scene 1  
  
  
  
"Give him this money," Jaconiuis told Skittery, his appointed messenger.  
  
"Fine, if I gotta go," Skittery responded, looking depressed that he had to travel all the way to Santa Fe just to give Davie money.  
  
"But, don't go straight to him once you get there, of course."  
  
"Aw, man. I gotta do somethin' else?"  
  
"Yes, I want you to spy on him for me, too. But do it smartly."  
  
"Ya gotta make dat moah cleah foh me. 'Membah? I'm not only glum but dumb too."  
  
"Basically ruin his name. You know, tell everyone he goes to whore houses, he gambles, he swears.in general he's a horrible person."  
  
"But.wouldn't me sayun' dat give him a bad reputation?"  
  
"That doesn't matter," Jaconious said, with a wave of his hand.  
  
"Okay, well den.I'm off ta Santa Fe to ruin Davie's life," Skittery announced, walking off just as Sarah showed up.  
  
"What was that about ruining Davie's life?" Sarah asked Jaconious.  
  
"Oh.umm.that.nothing.I didn't hear anything of the sort," Jaconious claimed, not making eye contact with his daughter.  
  
Sarah shrugged. "Well, I have some news for you! So, I was sitting and sewing doilies at home when Jack climbed in our window and acted very strangely. He was dressed oddly too.not that I can talk since I wear frilly dresses that everyone laughs at me for but that isn't the point.."  
  
"Then what is? I don't understand you young people that go on and on and on in these long speeches that are irrelevant and inconsequential. Don't you realize that no one wants to be around someone who never stops talking? Jeez, back in my day."  
  
After another five minutes of listening to Jaconius babble on Sarah cleared her throat. "Do you want me to be a traitorous spy or not?!"  
  
Jaconious blushed slightly. "Continue."  
  
"So, he was dressed weirdly. He didn't have his cowboy hat on. He had one pant leg up and was missing a sock and shoe. His shirt was unbuttoned. Plus, he was pale and shaking."  
  
"Do you know what was wrong?" Jaconious inquired.  
  
"Why, of course, he is just sad to lose my affections. Who wouldn't be? So, then, he grabbed my arm and just held it and shook it and didn't speak one word to me."  
  
"Well, I know what we must do, now. Tell Denton!"  
  
"All right! Not only am I telling all his secrets to you but I can tell them to the person he hates most and then maybe later we could use his love for me against him!"  
  
"Sounds good to me," Jaconious agreed, leading Sarah off to find the Denton.  
  
  
  
Act 2 Scene 2  
  
"Ah, nice of you to come Jake Guildenstern and Crutchy Rosencrantz," Denton greeted. Sorry about the short notice but Jack has.how to put it delicately?.gone crazy. So we thought that since you guys were his best friends at school that you could help us spy on him!"  
  
"Now, before you feel bad about it," Medda interjected, "we want you to know that you aren't our only spies. His girlfriend is also helping us."  
  
Jake and Crutchy shrugged. "A course we'll help ya out!" Crutchy exclaimed. "Always willin' ta help people dat got powah.it ain't like dis'll be da foist time. I sold Jacky boy out ta Snydah too."  
  
"Yeah, I'm in too," Jake agreed.  
  
"Okay, then, get to work!" Denton said, grinning evily since his plan was going to work.  
  
Jake and Crutchy nodded and walked off to find Hamlet.  
  
Jaconious entered with Boots who had returned from Brooklyn.  
  
"Ah, our good ambassador," Denton greeted. "What did they say in Brooklyn?"  
  
"Well, I talked ta da ownah a Spot's house and he was shocked ta heah 'bout Spot. See, he's been sick in bed foh awhile so he kinda jest lets da boys do whatevah dey want. But, when I told him he talked ta Spot an' Spot said he was jest gunna go through Manhattan ta get ta Queens if dats okay wid you," Boots informed Denton.  
  
Denton shrugged. "This is okay with me. Poor Queens kids. They don't have a chance against Brooklyn and I suppose I could help them but I'm just a selfish, incestuous murderer so tell Spot he is welcome to go through Manhattan."  
  
"Wait.what'dja jest say? Moiderer?" Boots inquired.  
  
"I didn't say that? Are you calling me names? Get out of here!!!" Denton yelled, pushing him out of the room to make up for his slip of tongue.  
  
Medda shrugged at all that was going on, never the attentive one nor one to catch on.  
  
"Now," Jaconious started, "let me tell you how incredibly crazy your son is. I mean, this is no ordinary case of insanity. He's just completely off his rocker. I really have to tell you how serious deranged your son truly is. He's a kook, a mad man, a.."  
  
Medda rolled her eyes. "Can you jest tell us what's going on?"  
  
"Oh, yes, okay so I have my daughter, Sarah. Well, she is mine for now, until some unfortunate lad.err I mean fortunate.snatches her up as his. Now, she has offered to spy for me on Hamlet since I figured we could just use her to find out what was wrong with him. So, she gave me this love letter from Hamlet that quite possibly contain his most private thoughts so I thought it only natural to share them with everyone I could."  
  
Medda and Denton nodded as if this was only natural and they all began to read the letter.  
  
"My dearest Sarah, Doubt that the sun is bigger in Santa Fe, Doubt that the Delancy's be scum, Doubt that Crutchy is really a cripple, Doubt that my name really is Jack, but never doubt that I love you. Sorry, I'm really bad at writing letters, but I really do love you. -Jack"  
  
"And how did Sarah respond to all this?"  
  
"Well, of course I told her that he was out of her reach and to ignore his advances. But, now he has gone crazy with love for her and I thought it best to make you aware of this," Jaconious responded.  
  
"Well, I thank you for that," Denton answered. "Medda, do you think this is true?"  
  
"I dunno, might be. I don't really catch on to anything before it's too late," Medda answered.  
  
"This is true," Denton agreed. "Well, we will have to test this. Let's just use Sarah to find out if he likes her. We can just have her wander around the Lodging House until he notices her and talks to her."  
  
"Good plan," Jaconious agreed.  
  
"Hey, there's Jack now," Medda pointed out.  
  
"Well, I think I obviously must go talk to him.it matters not that I don't know him and have never talked to him before in my life. He won't be suspicious!" Jaconious claimed.  
  
"All right. We will just leave you two alone then," Denton decided, leaving the room with Medda following close after.  
  
"Hey, Jack," Jaconious said, approaching him.  
  
"Hey, long winded annoying man who helps my evil uncle turn everyone against me," Jack mumbled.  
  
"What was that?" Jaconious asked.  
  
"I said hello," Jack told him, turning back to the book he was examining.  
  
"Do you know who I am?" Jaconious inquired.  
  
"A course I do.youh a fisherman!"  
  
"But.what? No, I can assure you I've nevah fished in me life."  
  
"Figuahs.you aren't good 'nough ta be a fishahmen anyway."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You lie," Jack stated bluntly, wishing the annoying man would go away.  
  
"Lie?"  
  
"Yes, and the sun makes bugs in dead dogs," Jack added. "You got a daughtah?"  
  
"What? Bugs? Yes.I have a daughter." Jaconious admitted warily.  
  
"Well keep her outta da sun cause it might make bugs in her too," Jack advised.  
  
"Ah, excuse me while I talk to myself about you now," Jaconious said.  
  
"But a course," Jack permitted.  
  
"So," Jaconious said to himself, "he still loves my daughter.and he is crazy.to think that I could lie? Never.well I did make my daughter lie to him but there is no possible way he could know that.unless he listens to me talk to myself but that would be breaking the rules.but maybe crazy people have no rules.I better stop just to make sure and ask him some trivial question to distract him."  
  
"What are you reading, Jack?"  
  
"Well, lemme think.what would a person read? Maybe words." Jack told him, sarcastically.  
  
"Well, I know that! What's it about?"  
  
"What's what about?"  
  
"The words! What are the words about?"  
  
"Jest talkin' 'bout how old annoyin' men wid greay beards and wrinkled faces think they are smart when a common newsie can outsmart them."  
  
"Ah.would you excuse me for another moment?"  
  
Jack motioned his consent before returning to his book.  
  
"Ah.A Jack by any other name would be just as crazy.wait wrong play.okay what was I supposed to say? Yes, he is crazy but still knows what he speaks of, I think. Good think I know he wouldn't be able to trick us all."  
  
Jack just laughed to himself when he heard this.  
  
"So, Jack, are you going to go for a walk in the fresh air?"  
  
"Inta me grave?"  
  
"Umm.well you could do that.I was thinking on the streets though." Polonious answered then said to himself, my does the boy have dark humor. Usually crazy people are happy but no, we had to get a depressed mad man.I should leave now to scheme evilly against him and use my daughter against him."  
  
"I.uhh.have to go, Jack. I'll talk to you later," Jaconious told him.  
  
"Yeah, can you make shoah you get Sarah out heah kinda soon, aftah I convince Jake and Crutchy a me craziness I kinda wanna take a nap," Jack muttered.  
  
"What was that?" Jaconious questioned.  
  
"Nothin' I said.uhh.don't let youh daughtah walk in da son cause you don't want her ta concieve a anythin' but a kid," Jack covered smoothly.  
  
Jaconious nodded and walked off mumbling to himself about how much Jack was in love with Sarah.  
  
Jake and Crutchy walked up just as Jaconious was leaving for all people back then had amazing timing on when to enter.  
  
"Jake! Crutchy! Good ta see ya boys! How are ya?"  
  
"We'se good," Crutchy answered.  
  
"We're not too happy.but we'se happy 'nough," Jake added.  
  
"So youh not on da shoes an' not on da hat a Fortune but jest 'bout in da middle?" Jack inquired.  
  
"Yeah, somethin' like dat," Jake answered.  
  
"So 'bout at da waist?" Jack persisted, attempting to figure out where they on the body of Fortune.  
  
"We're jest wheah a man would want to be on a goil," Crutchy told Jack, elbowing him playfully.  
  
"Ah, I get it," Jack joked. "Dat whore, Fortune! So what's new?"  
  
"Nothin' really," Jake told him.  
  
"If nothin' is new den why in da woild wouldja come back heah?" Jack inquired.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"It sucks," Jack told them bluntly.  
  
"We don't think so," Crutchy answered.  
  
"Well, then you are entitled to your own opinion. Ta me, it sucks," Jack informed him.  
  
"What's wrong wid it? Is it too small?"  
  
"It's not da space, its what's happenin' heah," Jack told them. "So what does bring you heah?"  
  
"Ta visit, a course, Jacky-boy," Crutchy told him.  
  
"Well thank you.but are you shoah dat's youh only reason. Jest tell me da truth, boys," Jack pleaded.  
  
"Well..what do ya want us ta say?" Jake asked.  
  
"Anythin' dat's truth.maybe tell da truth 'bout Denton an' Medda sendin' foh you.maybe tell me why?"  
  
"Jake, whadja think? Should we tell him how dey sent foh us to find out why he's so nuts?"  
  
"I dunno, Crutchy, it might hoit his feelin's dat we didn't come ta see him but ta spy on him."  
  
"A HA! I was right!" Jack exclaimed.  
  
"What?!?! YOU CAN'T DO DAT!" Jake yelled.  
  
"What? I didn't do nothin'!" Jack claimed.  
  
"You can't listen ta people talk aboutcha.only when dey talk to you are ya allowed ta listen!" Crutchy exclaimed.  
  
"Sorry, but it doesn't mattah cause you guys were gunna tell me anyway," Jack pointed out.  
  
"Fine, whatevah," Crutchy said, grumpily. "So, yes we were sent foh."  
  
"Dat's what I thought.now pardon me while I go into a long speech.I think I'se been round Jaconious too much.anyway, heah I go. So you came foh me muddah an.Denton.an want ta know why I have been so out of it lately. I'm nevah happy an' I don't do anythin' dat is expected of me. The earth seems empty and I don't see the point a goin' on. Men are hypocrites wid der pretendin' ta be noble and actin' like angles just so dey can try ta act like god. Dey think dey are da highest of all animals but are nothin' but dust. Men disgust me."  
  
Crutchy and Jake began to snigger.  
  
"Women also, if that is why youh laughin'," Jack added.  
  
"No.course not," Jake insisted.  
  
"We jest saw some actors comin' ta da Lodgin' House ta proform an' think it's funny dat you won't be amused." Crutchy covered, cleverly.  
  
"Great, den, bring dem in." Jack requested. "I could use some mindless enjoyment."  
  
"Well.umm.all right," Crutchy said. "Dey'll be a moment gettin' inta costume doh."  
  
"Dat's fine, I'll wait right heah," Jack said, sitting down.  
  
"Den we'll be back as fast as we can." Crutchy promised, rushing out of the room and dragging Jake with him.  
  
Once Jake and Crutchy were out of the room Jake stopped and asked Jake, "Why didja tell Jack dat der were actors comin' heah.now we gotta find some!"  
  
"Well, we cant let him get mad at us foh laughin' at him. Didja see da glare he gave us. If we don't stay his friend den we can't soak up infohmation foh his uncle!"  
  
"All right, lets run ta Irving Hall an' get some actors ta bring back heah, all right?" Jake suggested.  
  
"We bettah run," Crutchy advised.  
  
Jack, who was listening at the door, laughed to himself about catching them in their lie. "Well," Jack said to himself, "at least I can use these actors and actresses to act da scene dat ole Kloppman told me an' den Denton'll feel guilty.  
  
Jake and Crutchy might be some help aftah all." 


End file.
